Since reading in the New York Times this morning that the CIA tortured Al-Qaeda operative Abu Zubaydah by playing the Red Hot Chili Peppers at ear-splitting volume, I’ve been thinking about what kind of music we could use to torture Dick Cheney with. I know, the vice president is not in charge of the CIA (a situation he plans on rectifying if he can just have a little more time to expand those executive powers) but the new torture-all-the-time atmosphere that has been stinking up the joint since 9.11 emanates from Cheney like those rays from the dark eye of Sauron.

I turned for inspiration to Meet the Press where Cheney was the guest this morning. Tim Russert opened with a softball, asking the VP if the war against terror was discouraging terrorists and then followed up by pointing to a poll that indicates over 50% of American believe it is creating more terrorists. Cheney used the old line about Osama et al wanting to establish a Caliphate across the Muslim world (“Sounds like an improvement to me,” said my wife, who spent some time in the Middle East). Then Tim held up today’s Washington Post and pointed to the headline “Bin Laden Trail ‘Stone Cold.'” Bad intel, said the veep. And that terrain where he’s hiding — it’s like the dark side of the moon.

Bingo! I bet Cheney would hate Pink Floyd, even though he once told Russert that in interrogating terrorists the US may need to go to “the dark side” — though he’d probably dig that old Syd Barrett-era chestnut, “Be Careful With That Ax, Eugene.” But the later, more pompous Floyd would probably drive him over the edge. Maybe we could make him watch The Wizard of Oz at the same time and stop the film and the CD endlessly to talk about the places we think they sync up.

Playing old video clips, as Russert did, of Cheney claiming that Saddam had WMD, or that he was pals with Al-Qaeda might be torture enough. The only person who believes in those canards now seems to be Cheney and his cabal (which includes, of course, the president) and they don’t want to hear any facts to the contrary. We don’t need no education, he sings to us. (To which we can reply, with that dopey chorus of kids, “We don’t need no thought control.”)

“I’m not sure what part of what I’m saying you don’t understand,” Cheney bristled at one point when the formerly docile Russert pursued the lack of connection between Saddam and Osama. Kicking your former Toto won’t help. The man definitely needs a trip to the Wizard, since he is lacking the courage to say that he was wrong about pretty much everything; the brains to see that pursuing the same strategy is a roadmap to oblivion; or the heart to feel for the tens of thousands of lives wasted in this pointless war.

He does have a home, though. It’s in Wyoming. May he find it soon.