First came the news that Archie, who had been on the fence for almost 70 years, had picked Veronica over Betty. This decision was not well-received by Archie’s fan base, which is legion and universal. The consensus seemed to be that Veronica, rich brunette vixen, was the darker choice while fair & forgiving Betty was a safer bet. (Talking about all that dough Mr. Lodge had was considered gauche.) 

Now comes word that Archie, in an alternate universe, is also marrying Betty. Aw, come on! What kind of lessons does this teach our children? That would be like Gilligan getting with Ginger and Mary Ann. Life isn’t like that! You can’t have both!

Unless you’re a comic book character. Or a rock star.

For kids who grew up reading Archie comics, which is pretty much every kid in America, the eternal fence-sitting was the stuff of pre-adolescence. You didn’t have to choose because, frankly, neither of those girls was getting any older and school was never getting out. Forcing Archie to choose is like forcing him to grow up, which seems rather unfair (even if you can now read his exploits in graphic novels). I think of young Mick Jagger, who has never quite grown up himself, singing “Sitting on a Fence,” a song I listened to incessantly about the time I traded Archie for Zap Comix: “All of my friends from school grew up and settled down/And they mortgaged up their lives/One things not said too much but I think it’s true/They just get married ’cause there’s nothing else to do.”

Of course Mick — and his Jughead, Keith — don’t exactly look the same. Seeing those two is kind of like Dorian Gray in reverse. Somewhere there are portraits of them, fresh and innocent as babies.