Lots of luck, Lance-a-lot

One of my favorite openings, of one of my favorite books, is in Philip K. Dick’s Flow My Tears, the Policeman Said. A ridiculously popular TV host awakens to find, after a fight with a former lover, that he no longer exists. He’s real enough — except now he is living in a seedy hotel room with no form of ID, which in Dick’s dystopian future means a trip to the work camps…

Don’t know why that made me think of Lance Armstrong (did I mention that Dick’s hero is part of an elite group of genetically engineered individuals who have greater privileges than the ordinary person?). One day he has seven Tour de France trophies and the next day…

Not that Armstrong’s world disappeared; Nike, Anheuser-Busch and others companies who use him as a spokesman are standing strong. “Lance has stated his innocence and has been unwavering on this position,” a Nike spokeswoman told the New York Times, and that is not just a river in Egypt talking. By their lights, Lance is an icon of survival and endurance and perhaps his battles with the US Anti-Doping Agency will just be perceived as another obstacle to overcome. Those yellow Livestrong bracelets are still out there, and when my son had testicular cancer I used the man as an example of life after treatment: “Seven Tour de France titles and he’s banging Sheryl Crow like a rented tambourine!” I believe were my exact words.

I met Armstrong for a nano second years ago. Nike was filming an ad that showed great athletes in their own alternate realities, ones in which they were equally great: Randy Johnson as a pro-bowler, Marion Jones as a gymnast, Michael Vick playing hockey (what, no Huskies?) — and Lance was world title boxer. “This guy can do anything!” the announcer proclaims at the end, as they put the championship belt around the “Texas Tickler.”

I was doing a story about sports and advertising for SI and wanted just a moment of his time, but a nod and a handshake was all I got: After a morning’s ride and a day of filming Lance was “cooked” his handler told me. Stewing in his own juices, I guess.

Shoot out the lights

Anyone else reading of the Colorado shootings (and sorry that “shootings” are starting to go so well with “Colorado”) thinking of Peter Bogdanovich’s 1968 movie Targets? That film, the director’s first (and like nothing he’s done since) ends with a sniper behind the screen shooting people in a drive-in as they watch a horror film, Roger Corman’s epically bad 1963 The Terror,  starring Boris Karloff.

There were many differences; Bogdanovich based his unhinged killer on famous sniper shootings of the time, most notably Charles Whitman, who killed 16 people (and wounded 32 others) at the University of Texas in Austin in 1966. Whtiman stood on the observation deck of the campus’s clock tower and picked off most of his victims as they ran around on the grounds below.

Whitman was the perfect bogeyman for the time: a buttoned-down student with a crewcut and a genius IQ, a former Marine. His journal, discovered after he was killed by police officers, finds him questioning his building obsession to kill and he complains of “tremendous” headaches (an autopsy revealed an undiagnosed brain tumor). Reporters parsed his record afterwards: he had an abusive father, a problem with authority, marital issues. Of modern mass murderers he was one of the first postmortem celebrities.

As of this writing, not much is known of the Colorado shooter, James Holmes. He was a Phi Betta Kappa graduate student in neuroscience, kind of a loner, if you can imagine. “He was a little bit of a weird guy,” one former colleague of his told NBC News, “but we were honors students, so weird people were kind of common.” And he didn’t need marksman’s training: he was armed with two Glocks, a shotgun and an assault rifle (a Smith & Wesson AR-15) that could fire 50-60 rounds in a minute. And he had 3000 rounds.

With that kind of firepower, anyone could hit the side of a barn — hell, you shoot the whole barn down. And he had full body armor, just in case anyone in the theater fired back. (Colorado allows concealed weapons, though the theater had a policy banning them. Hard to imagine anyone checking their weapons at the counter, while buying popcorn.) And unlike most recent mass shooters, he allowed himself to be taken alive.

Now survivors are saying Holmes said he was the Joker, and had dyed his hair red. This makes you wonder how much of a fan the killer really was since any schoolboy knows the Joker’s hair is green. Still, the chaos the Joker embodies (especially in Heath Ledger’s gas-sniffing interpretation of the villain) may have spoken to Holmes. He certainly unleashed chaos.

Whitman’s killings were precise, if apocalyptic; they took place in a public space in the bright Texas sun. The Colorado shootings were confined, claustrophobic, people could not escape. A cellphone video of the theater lobby after the shooting shows one person coming out in a full Batman costume (it was a midnight premier, remember); pity the real thing wasn’t there to confront the real bad guy. That’s one difference between art and reality: in Targets the real Boris Karloff, at the drive-in for a promo, disarms the shooter. “I knew this would happen,” he says.

Exit, Pursued by a Bear

As grave as the dangers of city living are (why just last week some kids sitting on the stoop in my block in Brooklyn were robbed, at 11 pm!) there are dangers in country life too. Like the bear that jumped in our pond yesterday,

Okay, it was a hot day. And I don’t have a bear phobia, they have as much right to roam the hills below the Appalachian Trail as I do (more, some would argue). But after accepting the fact that we would not be driving back to NY from CT when our reasons for returning vanished, I decided to embrace the sense of entitlement that comes with a country house and head for the pond behind our house for a swim, with only my dog, my Kindle, my Android and the last of of the Patrick Melrose quartet (in paperback) for company.

Between dunks (the water was still a little too cold for actual swimming) I took a moment to feel the stillness of the environment. Bugs, birds, bees… broken by a splash big enough to be a dog. A really big dog.

At first I thought it was a beaver: it was big and black and wet and slick. Until it climbed out of the water, and kept coming. And suddenly I was looking at the California state flag, in 3D. Our dog, Riley, seemed quite blind to the happenings (being, I’m afraid, kind of blind now) but I grabbed his leash, started to assemble my  things and then did what any good city dweller would do: I called 911.

I got patched through to the parks department, eventually, and I confessed that I had not been paying attention the day in class when they discussed what to do when confronting a black bear. “Just make a lot of noise,” the nice man said. “Carry a big stick if you want to. But the last thing you want to do is startle him.”

Oh, great, now we’re worrying about me scaring the bear.

Armed with my tree club, carrying my bag of electronic devices and holding Riley on his leash (at least he could smell the bear now, and was very excited) I sang a version of “Finiculi, Finicula”: “Harken, harken! Music fills the air/Harken, harken! this song is for the bear.”

We made it back to the house in one piece, though we found the front door open. I made Riley go into each room with me, hoping he would smell the intruder before I saw him but we were alone. Beds were unmade, of course, and porridge all gone…

Here comes everybody

I was driving with my son the other night, listening to Joe Frank on the radio. For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, Frank has been doing weird late-night audio pastiches for about as long as I’ve been listening to college radio. They used to seem more random to me. Now they make a lot more sense.

Anyway, the topic (if you can call it that) of this program may have been identity, since he had recordings of a lot of callers named Joe Frank leaving messages that summed who they were and where they lived: “I’m Joe Frank and I’m a butcher who lives in the Bronx…” “I”m Joe Frank and I’m a retired military man…” And threaded in between all of these will-the-real-Joe-Frank-please-stand-up moments was a recording of a talk by Jack Kornfield, one of my favorite Buddhist writers and lecturers.

Jack was telling a joke, as is his wont, that he had heard from a “recovering Catholic” friend of his: Jesus is walking around heaven when he sees a bunch of people gambling. He can’t believe it, gambling in heaven! Then he turns the corner and there are a bunch of people drinking! It’s too much. He goes to St. Peter at the gate and rips him: “What’s wrong with you? You’re supposed to vet these people and make sure they come in when they are ready! Until then they go to purgatory (or worse!)” “Sorry,” says Peter, “I do try and vet them, honest, boss.” “One simple task and this is the best you can do!” says Jesus, who won’t let it go (you know how He gets). Finally Peter says, “I keep turning these people away and your mother keeps letting them in the back door!”

Moral being pray to Mary, I guess, if you want forgiveness. I thought of this the next day when I was hiking by myself by the Pacific Ocean. I was by myself because my son, who can annoy me to no end, would not pick up the phone or answer his email — we were supposed to get together before I got on a plane to come home to NY. And rather than stew about him and his Asperger’s related problems I decided to hike somewhere pretty by myself.

And what was in the parking lot, at the Tennessee Valley Road trail head? A van full of autistic adults. And walking down to the ocean I kept passing them, some in worse shape than others, their minders calling after them — “Come on, John! we’re going to be late.” While John studied his water bottle, or some caterpillar crawling across the road.

And I recalled another hike I took many years ago when my son was an infant. I had taken ecstasy and wrote about it here; the big revelation, really, was that this was an ordinary day on empathy. Like Jesus had just ripped my chest open, or Mary had let everyone in the back door, crowding my little Eden, over flowing my heart.

As You Were

What links the viral reaction to the story of This American Life retracting its Mike Daisey story about Apple factory conditions in China and the news that Kony 2012 cofounder Jason Russell was arrested for public masturbation? The hope the often nasty tweets and messages held that people wouldn’t actually have to worry about buying iPads or helping children being kidnapped in Africa.

TAL host Ira Glass did what any good journalist would do with the Apple story, in which monologuist, author and (perhaps) bullshit artist Daisey is guilty of mashing up facts (and seemingly inventing characters) for a radio report based on his one-man show, The Agony and the Ecstasy of Steve Jobs: He made a whole new episode out of it, and it’s a must-listen for fans of journalism.

Glass himself seems beyond reproach, which is one of the reasons his retraction packed such a punch. As Kurt Andersen noted, the first line of tweets responding to his posting of the news was “Whoa!” Glass is like the Edward Murrow of the new new journalism; his popular program has always seemed a model of integrity and has never succumbed to easy irony. He tackles subjects others don’t, using novel approaches and refreshingly first-person reporting.

Which is maybe why he sounds so devastated in this weekend’s show. “The most powerful and memorable moment’s [of Daisey’s report] all seem to have been fabricated,” he says, a fact which Daisey doesn’t really dispute. “I wanted to tell a story that captured the totality of my trip” he says, which, along with “I didn’t think I would unpack the complexities of how the story gets told” may live on as howlers of the Appalachian Trail variety when it comes to the art of dissembling.

In the end the monologist (and author of the inside-Amazon book, 27 Dog Years) seeks shelter with the idea that he was telling a theatrical truth in a journalistic setting (which doesn’t explain him lying to Glass and the fact-checkers of the show) while Glass counters that the old-fashioned idea of labeling stories “fiction” or “non” stands the test of time (and theater). Daisey makes it sound like they tried to take Death of a Salesman and put it in the 60 Minutes slot (against his will, I guess) while Glass understands that the question of Apple’s factory conditions is a different one for billions of consumers: “Should I feel bad about this?” they want to know, or, put another way, “Is their blood on my iPhone?”

In the third act of the retraction show, Glass poses the question to Charles Duhigg, who co-authored a report on Foxconn factory conditions in the NY Times, and it gets a complicated answer. But I can’t help but think a lot of people want an uncomplicated answer — No — so they can go back to tapping their screens without wondering if there’s a human cost.

So it is with Jason Russell, whose Kony 2012 video has been seen by more than 82 million people. The video, along with the organization Invisible Children, is meant to bring awareness to the Ugandan guerilla Joseph Kony, whose Lord’s Resistance Army kidnaps young children and forces them into conflict and prostitution. The video and the organization were already being criticized before his arrest — it was misleading, critics said, an over simplification, another example of a white man coming to save Africa. (Nicholas Kristoff did a pretty thorough job of answering those criticisms in his op-ed column last week.)

Now, after being caught (and caught on tape) screaming, naked, hysterical on the streets of San Diego, Russell has damaged the cause and certainly made himself a target for a lot of online humor. Friends and family members are already suggesting that Russell’s problems are a lot deeper than the haters suggest, and may end up proving the adage that just because someone is crazy doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

Russell has made a cause of the thousands of children kidnapped in Uganda and neighboring countries, and has been fighting to bring it to public attention for ten years. His organization has enlisted the support of politicians on both sides of the aisle in DC (and what else can you say that about these days?) and helped convince Obama to send military advisors to Uganda to aid in the capture of Kony, who tops the list of the International Criminal Court’s most-wanted-for-crimes-against-humanity. The eagerness to write him off seems to mirror the desire most people have when faced with international injustice to go back to sleep.